Recently, Mountain Housewife tweeted this which caused quite a controversy. “Dear married ladies, your approach to sex should be ‘whatever, whenever, and wherever.’ Then watch your marriage and life thrive.”
I then responded to her tweet on my timeline: “Do you agree with her? I love her and she gives great marital advice but I would never give this advice since some men enjoy sex that can be harmful (anal sex, for instance). Some young mothers could never fulfill the whenever and wherever. Many are not married to godly men. God commands us not to deprive our husbands. He doesn’t command we do it whenever, whatever, and wherever. This counsel could place a heavy burden on women.”
Mountain Housewife then tweeted this a few days later: “As I read through the replies to this tweet, I see so many excuses and outright hostility. I’ve even had some death threats. All I’m saying ladies is to do your best for the man you love and make his sexual delight your priority. And stay in the Word of God and prayer.” I agreed with her here wholeheartedly!
Yesterday, a woman asked me to clarify what we both mean when we teach women to not deprive husbands sexually after a man tweeted that husbands can take sex from their wives any time they want. He claims that this teaches them submission. This woman felt that the teaching of not depriving one’s husband sexually results in this type of wrong behavior from men.
There’s other young women who wish Mountain Housewife and I would simply not teach about sex at all since this is personal. Yet, we are commanded to teach young women to love their husbands (Titus 2:4). One of the greatest ways a husband feels loved is by having a wife who doesn’t deprive him sexually. Before marriage, most women never deprive their boyfriends since their boyfriends would leave them if they did but for some reason are fine with depriving their husbands whenever they want because they’re married. Young women NEED to be taught these things! Marriages are being destroyed over this issue.
In this post, I am going to attempt to explain what not depriving one’s husband entails. I have pondered this a lot and even asked the Lord for wisdom. It’s not an easy topic to write on in this highly sexualized, corrupted culture where women are offended so easily and yell, “Marital rape!” when this is taught.
Here’s is what God’s Word has to say about this topic from the KJV:
“Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.” (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)
Defraud means “To withhold wrongfully from another what is due to him.” Once married, women must not withhold sexual intimacy from their husbands. This is a command from God. Our bodies are not our own. We become one flesh and are to give ourselves to each other freely.
Does this mean a wife should give herself to her husband whenever, wherever, and whatever? No, just as a wife submitting to her husband in everything as God commands doesn’t include submitting to any sin against God. We always obey God rather than man which includes our husband. Then there is also common sense which God gave to us.
Anal sex is prevalent in today’s pornographic culture. There is debate about whether it is a sin or not. I believe it is since it’s incredibly harmful and destructive. The anus wasn’t created for sex. It’s not a sexual organ. Anal sex is especially harmful for women. Therefore, I do not believe women need to submit to their husbands in this or any act that they feel degraded or is harmful to them in any way. From Scripture, it seems to be that the sex act should be mutually enjoyed by both husband and wife. This takes time to figure out but it can be done!
Can a wife ever say “no” to her husband? If a wife is freely giving her husband sexual intimacy and her husband knows without a doubt that his wife has good will towards him and wants to please him, then there’s no problems with saying “no” once in awhile because a wife is too tired, not feeling well, or recovering from childbirth, although there are creative ways to satisfy one’s husband without intercourse in the six weeks after childbirth. As long as your husband is loved by you, he will most likely be benevolent to you in this area; for we reap what we sow.
However, there are far too many women who decide when and if they will have sex with their husbands. It’s always on their timetable and when they feel like it. Do we have to always be in the mood to be intimate with our husbands? NO! God’s commands have nothing to do with our feelings. We are to obey Him regardless of our feelings. If your feelings are not to have sex with your husband, change your feelings! Learn to be led by obedience and truth rather than your feelings.
Does this give husbands license to force themselves upon their wives as some claim? No, and why would a husband even want to force himself upon a wife who he knows loves him and desires to please him? Yes, there are some cruel husbands who physically abuse their wives and will force themselves upon them. This is wrong. Any woman who is in an abusive marriage like this needs to seek a way of escape as soon as possible. She should even get the police involved.
The vast majority of husbands, however, are not forcing themselves upon their wives although I am sure that some of them who are being continually deprived by their wives sure feel like it. This is absolutely an affliction for these husbands. They married because they burned sexually. God commands that if they burn, they should marry so they did. Once married, their wives have little interest in pleasing them in this area. These wives are living in sin and are tearing their homes down with their own hands. They need to repent and begin loving their husbands.
Become godly wives who love the Lord and His ways. Learn to love your husband and please him sexually. It will not only bless your husband but it will bless you too. There are abundant blessings in living in obedience to the Lord.
Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.
***Here’s a post for wives who are being deprived by their husbands sexually.