COURTSHIP HAS BOUNDARIES AND ACCOUNTABILITY. DATING HAS NEITHER.

“What is the difference between courting and dating,” a woman asked me on my last post. Courting has boundaries and accountability. Dating has no boundaries and no accountability. I decided to research the history of dating in America.

“As cultural historians Alan Carlson and Beth Bailey put it in the Mars Hill Audio Report, Wandering Toward the Altar: The Decline of American Courtship, prior to the early 20th century, courtship involved one man and one woman spending intentional time together to get to know each other with the expressed purpose of evaluating the other as a potential husband or wife. The man and the woman usually were members of the same community, and the courting usually was done in the woman’s home in the presence (and under the watchful eye) of her family, most often Mom and brothers.

“However, between the late 1800s and the first few decades of the 1900s the new system of ‘dating’ added new stages to courtship. One of the most obvious changes was that it multiplied the number of partners (from serious to casual) an individual was likely to have before marriage.

“Bailey observes that by the 1930s and ’40s, with the advent of the ‘date’ courtship increasingly took place in public spaces such as movie theaters and dance halls, removed by distance and by anonymity from the sheltering and controlling contexts of the home and local community. Keeping company in the family parlor was replaced by dining and dancing, movies, and ‘parking.’

“We see a change in sexual norms in the West. With the onset of the sexual revolution the question arose, ‘Why would a man court and woo a woman when he could gain a chief benefit of marriage, namely sexual gratification, for free with no commitment?’ (Friendship ‘with benefits’ is a contemporary example.)”

Birth control came onto the scene and separated having sex from being married. Courtship centered around the talk of home and family. Dating gave way to competition and consumption. “Instead, it was a ‘competitive game,’ a way for girls and boys to demonstrate their popularity…You had to rate in order to date, to date in order to rate. By successfully maintaining this cycle, you became popular. To stay popular, you competed. There was no end: popularity was a deceptive goal.” From here came the concept of “going steady” which was long-term sex without commitment. This has contributed to the present day divorce merry-go-round.

“Out of necessity, this cultural confusion has forced Christians to re-evaluate from where we are taking our cues — from the secular culture at-large or from a wise contemporary application of what is taught in Scripture. In many Christian communities, there seems to be movement toward rediscovering, or creating anew, some sort of script that conforms itself to the way God created man and woman to relate to each other. New types of courtship systems where family, friends, and church communities are involved in the relationship provide support and godly counsel to individuals in a relationship.”

A woman told Elisabeth Elliot that she was in a “relationship.” Elisabeth asked her what kind of a relationship. The woman just responded “a relationship.” Elisabeth told the young women that a relationship between a man and woman outside of marriage should only be referred to as brothers and sisters in Christ or engagement, meaning absolute purity before marriage. I agree with her.

We have come so far from biblical standards of relationships between men and women. Most Christians look no different than the world. The world stopped courting and went to dating and “parking” so the Church eventually followed. I admire those parents who are raising their children in the courtship style of accountability and boundaries. This is protection for their children. They are doing what they believe to be is biblical and upholding their children’s sexual purity. They should be applauded, not mocked as many in our fornicating culture are doing.

Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.
1 Corinthians 6:18

https://thetransformedwife.com/courtship-has-boundaries-and-accountability-dating-has-neither/

IS DATING BETTER THAN COURTSHIP?

Jinger Duggar said in her interview with People Magazine, “I’ve seen more people honor God and live a very beautiful life who have dated, and sometimes even better than courtship. I could be so consumed with that – with having a chaperone, with not kissing before you’re married, and not holding hands before you’re engaged. All of these things that I had set up for myself that now I kind of laugh at.”

I grew up in the dating era. I saw dating as a way for couples to fornicate, have abortions, and heartbreak. Dating has led to the divorce culture. The vast majority of dating couples did not remain virgins, and many who were technical virgins were not sexually pure. Can a dating couple remain sexually pure as God requires before marriage? Absolutely but it’s not easy and most don’t have the self-control to stop some type of a sexual relationship once kissing begins; for it is better to marry than to burn.

From an article called A Brief History of Courtship and Dating in America:

“When one tries to understand how dating has changed over time, and most importantly, how we arrived at the system of courtship and dating we have today, one must realize the monumental cultural shift that occurred during the 1940s, primarily due to World War II. The courtship experience and ideals of those who grew up before World War II were profoundly different from those of teenagers in the postwar years, and the differences created much intergenerational conflict.

“Out of necessity, this cultural confusion has forced Christians to re-evaluate from where we are taking our cues — from the secular culture at-large or from a wise contemporary application of what is taught in Scripture. In many Christian communities there seems to be movement toward rediscovering, or creating anew, some sort of script that conforms itself to the way God created man and woman to relate to each other. New types of courtship systems where family, friends and church communities are involved in the relationship provide support and godly counsel to individuals in a relationship.”

What does God’s Word say about all of this?

“Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband…But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.” (1 Corinthians 7:1,2,9) God knows it’s not easy to remain pure once a couple begins touching each other.

How are men commanded to treat young women they’re not married to? “…the younger as sisters, with all purity” (1 Timothy 5:2).

“I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that ye stir not up, nor awake my love, until he please” (Song of Solomon 8:4).

“Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled” (Hebrews 13:4). Most defile their marriage bed long before they are married.

“Flee also youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart” (2 Timothy 2:22).

Aged women are to teach young women to be chaste (Titus 2:5). Chaste means to be pure from ALL sexual activity before marriage and then complete faithfulness to one’s husband once married. God demands our purity. Foreplay and sex are designed for the marriage bed only. Kissing gets the motors running and can easily lead to a lot more. Kissing causes a couple to burn which God commands couples marry rather than burn sexually.

Jinger’s parents taught their children boundaries to protect their sexual purity. They were good boundaries. Many of us watched the children go through the courtship process. It was beautiful and romantic! There was no making out or regrets for them which most of us who dated have. If she thinks dating is better than courtship the way her parents taught her, she’s wrong for the vast majority of couples who spent their teenage years and early twenties dating and being sexually promiscuous.

Teach your children that God demands sexual purity, not just virginity, before marriage. Help them set boundaries for themselves when they are with members of the opposite sex. In the olden days, couples had to be on their parent’s porch or in their homes with their parents around to be together. They couldn’t be out alone for hours at a time. Let them talk freely on the phone or FaceTime but the less time they are alone, the safer it is for them. The hormones in the youth are strong!

In this highly sexualized culture, it’s more important than ever before to teach your children the beautiful ways of the Lord and help them protect their sexual purity by not giving into the dating culture that is destroying many lives. Many of us wish we were more protected and had more boundaries in the years of our youth, not less. Teach your children to FLEE youthful lusts, not play around them. It’s playing with fire.

Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.
1 Corinthians 6:18

***My follow up post: Courtship Has Boundaries and Accountability. Dating Has Neither.

https://thetransformedwife.com/is-dating-better-than-courtship/